Friday, March 22, 2013

Never will I ever...

Time for a Friday funny post!

Maybe you've heard of the game 'Never have I ever..'  Maybe you haven't.  It's basically a party game in which party goers say the phrase 'Never have I ever... and fill in the blank with something they think is outrageous or just something they have never done.  Then any guest who HAS done whatever they've said has to admit to it, do a dare, take a drink etc.  Every and I do mean EVERY couple who has just found out they are pregnant plays a version of this game. 

Not me you say?  Said best by our friend Rafiki in The Lion King Think Harder...

This parent game is not 'Never have I ever...' It's 'Never will I ever...'

Sounding more familiar?  Yeah I thought so.

This game is played by newly expectant parents most often but it's also played by childless couples who hope to one day be parents or just have alot of opinions - everyone is eligible.  Let me give you some real world examples:

- Oh no! Never will I ever let my child watch more than 2 hours of television a week!  That stuff rots their brains!!
- Never will I ever give my child a pacifier - happy babies shouldn't need soothers!  If he's crying there's a reason for it and it's my job to find it out!
- Never will I ever let my child have candy or chocolate.  If they never have it - they'll never want it!
- Never will I ever cut the crusts off a sandwich - if they don't like it they don't have to eat it.

There are variations on any one of these and DOZENS more - but I think you get the idea.  The best part?  After you've broken all of your never will I ever's and realizing how stupid it was to say in the first place - watching other first time parents do the exact. same. thing.

The flip side to when said parent breaks these vows is this:

-Child(ren) has been refusing to play nicely, throwing temper tantrums every 5 minutes over nothing, the house is a wreck, there's not a scrap of clean laundry to be found and the dishes are growing new organisms and mom just wants to get something, anything done.  So she turns on a movie, cartoon, documentary whatever is on and the child is suddenly quiet and angelic.  She can almost see a halo forming over his little mop of hair.  That's the moment the t.v. stops being a villian and starts to look a little friendlier.
-Baby has been screaming non-stop for 3 hours.  She is not wet or dirty, not hungry or thirsty, not bored or overstimulated, not in pain, just cranky and tired but won't sleep.  Mom has not had more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep in longer than she can remember and that soother all but walks up and kicks her.  Out of the package it comes and into (the pot of boiling water for sterilizing of course :p) and then once cooled in that screaming face.  The world is quiet, birds sing, they both enjoy a long and well deserved nap.  Ahhh... soother (thumb etc)
-Candy and chocolate ergh.  I fought these long and hard.  "NO!" I said to everyone seemingly cornering me with sweets trying to shove them in my daughter's mouth.  She doesn't NEED it! She's just a baby! (somewhere around 9 months old) I had already - I thought successfully survived Thanksgiving without her getting any 'bad' food turns out my cousin had been shoving whip cream in her mouth every chance he got... :/.  Whole lot of good that did me or her.  The hubby fought these even longer and harder than I did.  He was adament.  In the end we all cave.  After all she's going to see me eating it - she's probably going to want it too.  We keep it in check and make sure she gets her fruits and veggies but a little chocolate won't kill her either. 

It's like a rite of passage.  I know full well that any first time pregnant woman, new father, etc reading this will be all shaking their head saying oh no - not me - I'd never ... which is ok!  I would've done the same thing.  I argued at great length with my mother, grandmother, cousins, husband, in-laws about what I would or would not let my child do/not do, eat/not eat.  It's good to have good intentions but it's good to know you're not a bad parent when you plunk your kid in front of curious george so that you can clean the house in peace.  I have a funny feeling that a new, different, second time parent version of the game is in store for us one day.  Not today or any time soon - but one day.


Happy Friday everybody! (or as P says "All-the-buddy's!")

xoxo

~t

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