Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Oh! What a beautiful day!

 The sun was shining when I left the house.  It feels balmy and spring-like outside.  The hubby's lunch is delivered, Paige has hers at day care - mine as usual fell by the wayside in favor of doing my hair and makeup.  Hopefully in a week or so I'll have some kind of big exciting news for you all - right now its lots of impatient waiting and I have to remind myself that holding my breath really won't help.  (Just like tilting the screen when you're playing angry birds but you still feel like it helped)

Weight Loss Journal:

(The reason I separate this from the regular post is because if a reader isn't interested in this part they can easily skim over it)

It is weigh-in-Wednesday I'm down 2 lbs.  Yay, oh happy day! I still want more though.  What a greedy Grinch eh?  WW specifies that a healthy amount of weight loss is 1 - 2 lbs / week but I have this part of me that is still a teenager struggling with self worth and eating disorders.  It's almost like once I start losing weight that part of me is unleashed to wreak havoc on the normal adult self I've been working on.  She says things like - Oh c'mon you can do better than that!  Skip a meal, do another workout, you should've lost 5 lbs this week!!!  She's not very nice.  I spent most of my teenage years listening to her.  I skipped meals, threw up after eating, went entire weeks without eating more than a normal person should in a day - then binged and ate 2 days worth in a sitting and got sick.  (This is harder to type than I thought it would be...)  The thing is I've looked back on pictures of myself as a teenager - even as a pre-teen (when the evil lady would say I was my 'fattest') and I wasn't big.  I definitely wasn't overweight.  I was normal, average, not skinny, not especially athletic, but certainly not how I saw myself.  I remember looking in the mirror and I know what I saw.  Now that I've seen pictures in retrospect I know just how distorted that image of myself in my head really was.

I think its a bit sad that even though I am a fairly accomplished 23 year old, who is a mother, a wife, works full time outside the home, has a husband who is just as busy as I am that I still have a hard time finding worth in myself.  I know what my body has accomplished.  I have lost 15 lbs from Jan 2 until today however I have lost a grand total of at least 95 lbs from April 18 2011 until today.  And still I have this chubby, dorky image of myself plastered in my brain.  Why?  I don't know.  If I really allow myself to think about the 'why' I go in circles and really when you get down to the nitty gritty of it - does the why really matter?  Isn't the why (circumstances, etc) supposed to be what I'm over coming?  Don't get me wrong - I'm getting better at controlling myself.  Every day I'm working on being more positive about myself.  I know where it's coming from when I hear those nasty thoughts run through my head and I'm learning to ignore them.  Maybe this is something I'll always struggle with but I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that Paige never struggles with the same problems.  I still have hope that with enough hard work I can over come my past struggles and banish those mean thoughts forever.

xoxo

~t





        

2 comments:

  1. You my love are beautiful inside and out. <3

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    1. Thanks doll - I don't know that I would've survived those turbulent years without you! :D

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